Wednesday, September 1, 2010

7 Mile

I was born with the opposite of a runner's body. I have thick legs that don't move fast. A large booty that lovingly pulls all running shorts directly up my butt and into my crotch leaving my thighs exposed to rub and chafe. This forces me to wear spandex under any and all shorts. I have to pay more than you should for a sports bra to keep the girls in place. The list goes on. I suck at running. 
Nonetheless I have always tried to improve since it does burn a lot of calories, my job depends on it and one day I'm hoping the running will rub away the excess thigh fat. Lately I've been running 5 miles, 2-3 times a week and was kind of proud of myself. I decided to up it to 7 one day so I mapped out my new route and went for it. 
I was doing ok until mile 5 1/2 or 6. I started to get bubble gut and either had to stop running or let a little something out to relieve the pain. I weighed out my options but thought I could handle passing a little gas without stopping because I really wanted to say that I ran 7 miles without stopping. I remember in Anatomy class learning about nerves you have in your anus that allow your brain to distinguish between a fart and a crap. If you've ever lived in South America you know that those nerve endings aren't your most reliable. Well, I went for the fart but immediately regretted my decision because I was 95% sure I just crapped my pants.
I understand crapping your pants when running a marathon but this was 5 1/2 or 6 miles. I just kept running because I really had no other options and I wasn't totally sure what just happened. I ended up stopping at 6 1/2 miles because the route I chose was ridiculous. It was all uphill at the end and I am pretty sure I could have walked faster than I was running up that hill. I made it to the gym and am happy to announce that it was just a fart. 
This week I will attempt the 7 mile run again but am going to reverse my route so the hills are at the beginning. I'm also considering some kind of running diaper. I'm sure they have 'em. 

This picture was taken at the beginning of my first race ever. See how I am smiling. It was before before I actually had to run and before I came close to sharting.

5 comments:

Amy said...

Listen, you're gonna sh!t your pants, it's part of the fun. Just stick with your black spandex and no one will see the poop. They'll smell it, but you can just shrug and say, "Sorry! I farted!" Welcome to the club mi amiga.

Binns Family said...

Too funny! Way to keep up with the running. I am sure you could used depends.

Natalie said...

Oh my. I am laughing so hard right now. This is a PERFECT start to my morning:) I had no idea about the whole pooping issue since my wimpy self has never made it above 3 miles! I dream of being a runner though. And having killer thighs...

Sarah said...

You should really write a book. It would be hilarious. If it makes you feel any better just a couple days ago I got bubble but after 20 minutes on the eliptical. Decided to let out a little pressure and it came out way stinkier than expected. 10 seconds later a friend of mine hopped on the machine next to me. I'm sure it reeked up the room but she pretended nothing had happened.

Paul & Krynn Burt said...

Oh my gosh that's the funniest thing in the world. We were laughing so hard! I love it! I feel the same way about running, I'm so slow, not fast at all and think 3 miles is far. haha!